Matt Case

Every single morning Matt Case wakes up and takes a piss in his own cereal, and then rushes to the mirror just to see the look on that stupid asshole's face.

He quit paying car insurance six years ago and he never looked back. He cuts his own hair.

He has 11.5 associate degrees from Pitt Community College because he refuses to schedule a meeting with an advisor. Don't ask him what they are, he doesn't know. Entrepreneurship?

He is obsessed with recycling. By that I mean he burns anything that isn't plastic in a barrel in his backyard.

He vapes.

Self-sabotage is his spirit animal. The term “amateur stand-up comedian,” is too generous. The term “Banjo-Busker,” would be more appropriate; but imagine the busker without a banjo, and nicer shoes.

“I think it's really fun to watch. The comedians like to watch. I don't think the audience understands it. It's a little niche.” -Will Norris

He has ridiculously tiny hands, a fact that he is constantly aware of, and he doesn't know what to do with them. Whatever he does it only makes it look worse.

He walks like a toddler, if the toddler had too much confidence.

"He has a hot girlfriend that is funnier than him. He's way too old for her. But try telling her that.” - Will Norris

He's a notorious dick gazer. He’ll tell you that himself. At the very least he's confused.

He runs payroll and distributes paychecks at a local fine dining establishment. They have tried to fire him at least seven times, maybe once a year. But he's the only one who knows all the passwords.

The most stressful thing about his job, is pretending to be stressed out at work, on the one or two days he actually shows up in person.

If he wipes a booger on the couch, he has to remember where he put it, in case he runs out of Ritalin later.

He's a “dog person.” Basically a white girl. Wears the same jeans and listens to the same music.